10 January, 2012

memories - a bittersweet journey

A roller coaster ride life in the past few years till 2011.
 Behind my daily planner theres a lot of story to tell. How I wish I could barely tell it all here.

My mini daily planner last year. When I open it last night and read all what I wrote here last year I couldn't  imagine that there were so many unforgettable events happend last year in my life, the very sad days of my life and hurtful moments that I had pass in few years and I learn to forget. I had so many achievements also in the past years that I could'nt imagine I'll get after all those trials and difficulties I have been through.

Planned to have a new planner  for this year
but I am sure it will be exciting  for this year because its a different story, people and place.

In January, I was happy because I heard a news from someone whom I care about but I was confused of what happening because I do not understand what is going on I feel I was in a situation that I do not know how to handle. I tried to be strong.

February, I am still hoping that everything will gonna be fine but I feel I am still in a very confusing stage of the situation and I just let it passed by and makes myself busy with things that I could benefit in the end. I called it sacrifice, again.

March, this is the month that I suffer a lot, I felt the hatred inside my heart, I don't know how to forgive the people who almost ruined my life and all my plans in life. I just pray hard to passed all of it and learned to let go and forgive but it was really hard for me to do it.

In April, I tried my best to be strong and stand on my own, still patiently waiting for a good news that will possibly make me happy but sad to say nothing happend. I just think that everyhing was okey in short I was in denial but nothing is impossible.

May, I made a decision to work overseas but there was a hesitation if I will do it or not. I really want to pursue to finish my degree and that was all in my mind, I find a way to make it and God is really God because my big brother rescued me and gave a hand for help. I still really felt bad and sad and the hatred in my heart is like a boiling water that it's hard for me to control.I am still blessed for having thos eloving people in my life.

In June, I felt little depress and sad but I need to go on with life and think about my final term in university and give my best to get a good grades I was blessed because I got high grades in final so I got a scholarship, it makes me feel happy and I put on my mind that I will do my best to maintain the grades I had in the past semester, I did eventhough I was still affected of what had happend and there were no days that I did not cried and I have worries all the time. I always think positive and my big brother always remind me of all good things and better things to do and pushed me to do better, the encouragement.

July, there were time that I felt happy and forgot those bad memories happend and focus on my studies and I always try to be happy and enjoy every single day in my life although sometimes I feel I wanna gave up when at the end of the day I remember all of those bad things happend. But I know in my heart I am very blessed of having a friends who always there for me through thick and thin and along the way I met good people during the worst time in my life.

August, I still try to be strong and focus in my dissertation paper to passed it on defense day, I feel bit nervous because our group was still in a middle of our topic and we are still confused about our topic discussion. I make myself busy thinking for another plan for the topic. I learned to be patient and understanding about everything. My bestfriend little sister was at home, we celebrate Eid together and had fun outside with my sister, first time in my life I went out wearing shorts and try a henna tatoo. All my worries I put it behind for a while and enjoy the moment with little sissy and my sister.

I learned to...
September, the critical month for us because we are preparing for final exams written and actual exams which gave me so much stress and pressures and those time I need to focus  in every papers on my hand and study every lessons written on it, and at the same time doing my dissertation topic. It was a hard time and stressful days for us. I was worried because I feel I can't make it but with the help of those people who love and care and for their encouragement words I get back my confidence and make the best out of it. For the meantime I forget all of those worries I have.
While doing and thinking those things,  this month also I met someone who became good friend to me, someone to talk to about  everyday life and I came up into realization that my heart is very cold and I do not care about the feelings of other people. I care only the people whom I trust and I know will never leave me no matter what. I learned to go out and hanging out with my friends which I never did before. My little sister was at home and I enjoy life together with her and with my sister. I gained weight because she loves to cook. I forgot all my worries for a while.  It was one of the good day in my life.I changed and learn something new in life and I explore in real world.

October, the critical month for us. During the day of defense we had a raffle for who and which will be the first group who will discuss their topic infront of the  panel judges. We are all felt nervous that time and stressout. Opps! my group was the first one who will discuss infront of the judges, well we are the first one who will do the presentation and we are all in a hot seat that time. Well done and we passed, we got a high grades. Thanks God. It's semestral break and I think to relax and enjoy life but still the pressures of worries I have was there. 
As time goes by I learned  how to cope up with the situation and problem I have and I just put it aside and learn to be happy. When I was in a resto my friend introduce me this person who became close to me and challenge me ane my everyday life, this person is very challenging but sometimes annoying, if there's one thing I admired about this person that is this person honesty and being straightforward. I love everytime we talked because I learned a lot in every topic we had. It changed my perspective in life and makes me wiser when dealing things and situation.

It's my day, November, a quite relax month since I'm done with my first term and I am just waiting for my training. There were time also that my life was like a roller coaster ride, it confused me about something. I cried also when a friend leave and did not tell me the night before when we talked. I cried when I recieved a call from this person and saying "I am here in the airport and Im leaving tonight". I was shocked and feel sad since this person console me also during my sadness and tried to help me to be a strong one. And there's something make me feel happy also, I received a message from someone whom I am waiting for a long time. Im excited to hear a news. I don't know what to say and how to react to what happening. I recieved a call and I don't know what to say since it's been a long time we did haven't talk to each other. After that call I never recieved any call again or any news from this person. I just ignored but I feel sad but it was okey atleast I received a gift for my birthday, it was a priceless gift I recieved from a person whom I care so much, to heard a news and a peaceful mind. And an achievements that I couldn't imagine I'll get and I passed all those hardship that almost makes me gave up everything. Thanks God for everything.

Its December, I visit my family and stay with my parents for how many days, had fun with my siblings. I miss my mama, papa and my sisters and brothers. I cooked our food everyday and my mama feels happy because we are all together except my sister who's with me here in the city and my two sister living far from our parents house. Time to prepare for holiday, I just relax. And after a month I received a call from someone I care about. I am happy to hear the words " I am very proud of you " because of my achievements and I stand on my own. I feel okey but still worried about something will suddenly happen again. I am afraid of those past nightmares happend. But I am still looking forward for the best since the year was almost over. There are things that made me sad again but I try my very best to console myself and enjoy life and go with the flow of life. I was surprised to recieved a sms greetings from a person who is special to me until now, a first person who greet me during Christmas Eve and New Year eve. I am happy to hear from you again after long time.
End of my 2011 journey and this year
I am starting for a new plan and journey in life.

My big bro gave me this one. I think I need to keep those info of the people I met along the way while I am doing my journey in life and enjoying life as it should be. I had so many bad, sad, painful and happy experiences last year and I learned a lot from it. I can't imagine how good life was without those trials and pains that makes me a good and stronger one.
I am hoping all the best for this year. Thank you to all of the lovely people I met and to those who never left me alone during the time that I was down. I am blessed and I have so many blessings to be thankful for.

Thats all for now and till next post..


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